Can I Please Speak to a Human?

By E. P. Foster | November 1, 2026

Remember when you could call a business, someone would answer the phone, and you could explain what you needed?

Apparently, that was too simple.

Now, before you can talk to anyone, you have to prove yourself worthy of speaking to an actual human being.

And I'm beginning to think there's a secret password nobody bothered to tell me about.

It usually starts innocently enough.

I have a question about a bill, an account, or something that isn't working the way it's supposed to. Nothing complicated. I figure it'll take ten or fifteen minutes to straighten out.

I go to the company's website, and there it is.

A cheerful little bubble in the bottom corner.

"Hi there! Need help? Chat with us!"

Wonderful!

I click it.

"Hello! I'm your virtual assistant! How can I help you today?"

I type my question.

"I'm sorry, I didn't understand that. Please select one of the following options."

None of the options has anything to do with my problem.

So I pick the one that seems closest.

"Here are some articles that might help!"

They don't.

"Did this resolve your issue?"

No.

"I'm sorry to hear that! Is there anything else I can help you with?"

Yes. I'd like to speak to a person.

"I'm sorry, I didn't understand that."

Of course you didn't.

So now we begin the ritual.

Representative.

"I'm sorry, I didn't understand that."

Agent.

"Here are some articles that might help!"

HUMAN!

"Did this resolve your issue?"

At this point, I'm beginning to wonder whether the chatbot is deliberately messing with me.

And here's the funny part. I'm not against artificial intelligence. In fact, I've been using AI to help me develop this very reflection.

The difference is that this AI and I are actually having a conversation.

The one on the company's website seems determined to make sure I never have one.

Eventually, I decide to call.

Surely, that will be easier.

"Thank you for calling. Please listen carefully, as our menu options have recently changed."

Have they?

Because I'm fairly certain I've been hearing that announcement since the Clinton administration.

"To better assist you, please tell me in a few words why you're calling."

I explain my problem.

"I'm sorry, I didn't get that."

I explain it again.

"Did you say you'd like to make a payment?"

No.

"I'm sorry, I didn't get that."

REPRESENTATIVE!

"Before I connect you, let me see if I can help."

Oh, we've been through this already.

Then comes the account number, the ZIP code, my date of birth, and enough security questions to make me wonder whether I'm applying for a government clearance.

Finally, after another fifteen minutes of listening to music that sounds like it's being played through a coffee can, I hear those wonderful words.

"Please hold while I transfer your call."

Success!

An actual human being!

"Thank you for calling customer service. My name is Sarah. How can I help you today?"

Well, Sarah, I'm glad you asked.

I explain the problem.

"Okay, sir. May I have your account number?"

Didn't I just give that to the computer?

"And can you verify your ZIP code?"

Yes. Again.

"And could you explain the issue you're having?"

At this point, I'm wondering what the first twenty minutes were for.

Was the computer just keeping me entertained until Sarah became available?

And sometimes, after all that, the connection isn't great, or we're having difficulty understanding each other. I find myself asking the representative to repeat something, and I can almost hear the frustration building on both ends of the call.

The poor person didn't design this system. They're just trying to do their job.

So I'm generally polite.

Although I have to admit, the conversation going on inside my head is considerably less polite.

And then come the words I've been dreading.

"I'm sorry, sir. I'll need to transfer you to another department."

Of course you will.

"Please hold."

More music.

More waiting.

And sometimes, just for a little added excitement, the call disconnects.

Now, remember, this was supposed to take ten minutes.

I've been at it for nearly an hour.

I have other things to do. My coffee is cold. I'm fairly certain I've aged noticeably since this whole thing began.

And the problem?

Still there.

So I do what any reasonable person would do.

I hang up.

I'll try again later.

Maybe tomorrow.

Or next week.

Whenever I can work up the courage to go through the whole thing again.

And the really ridiculous part is that the company probably thinks its customer service system is working beautifully.

After all, I haven't called back.

Problem solved!

I'm curious, though.

How many of you have sat there typing "representative," "agent," or "HUMAN" into a chat window, hoping that somewhere, somehow, an actual person would appear?

Because I can't possibly be the only one.

And if anyone knows the secret password, please share it.

A few days later, I decide to try again.

I open the company's website.

And there it is.

That cheerful little bubble in the corner.

"Hi there! How can I help you today?"